Less Family Anxiety & Tension-Family Systems Theory
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Family Systems Theory (FST) was developed by Dr Murray Bowen during the second half of last century and it has much to offer you in reducing family anxiety and tension. Its a rich theory that really resonates with me as I consider the way my family of origin’s past functioning impacts current reactivity and relationships.
The clever, evidence based, principles of FST are available to you too, so you can effectively face the challenges of being human, and seek to enhance your own maturity and family life by bringing a new understanding of relationships in the past and in the present day. For many people, reading one of the books below will have enough impact, showing you how to curiously observe patterns that exist in you and in your own family. Without ever needing therapy, you can step back and learn to observe interactions with curiosity rather than intensity or anxiety. I think we all need that. Nevertheless, Family Systems Therapy can make a huge positive difference in situations of serious crisis.
Lets be honest, family life is really hard. We often feel out of our depth with managing our children, relationships with our partner, while also managing relationships with our parents and maybe our grandchildren too. Our own emotions, our expectations and others’ expectations can overwhelm us in the context of intense family relationships, making family communication painful, daunting and very confusing. We parents often feel like they are responsible for solving every problem that emerges, and yet haven’t the slightest clue how to, adding to our own distress. And it doesn’t get easier when our children become adults.
If this doesn’t sound like your life, or your family, you may have a church, workplace or a social group that is filled with intense emotion. FST has alot to offer you.
Focus on the big picture patterns of the family system and its impact on individuals
People strive for balance between connectedness and independence (two opposing forces) so we can be close to our loved one while staying independent.
Acknowleges that family really push each others emotional buttons. (In other words, we instinctively act with great sensitivity and predictability within our family system when we are under stress. This is a evolutionary survival method.)
Multigenerational patterns and adaptation are also a key feature of this theory.
Fusion within the family is a cornerstone concept. Its natural to make a project of one’s children or spouse sometimes but losing ones differntiation will have ripple effects becuase Interdependence means that changes in one member will impact the others reciplrocally.
Cutoff is a cornerstone concept - we can grow ourselves up step by step and fix cutoff thoughtfully as we grow our capacity to manage ourselves in the face of our relationship reactions.
Triangles can naturally develop in Families, and are troublesome when they are designed to avoid dealing with stress. The most important triangle is the one between you and your parents and determines patters for the rest of your life
Differentiation of Self is a cornerstone concept - this is the capacity to step back and balance emotions and intellect with need to be attached to others rather than prioritising intense connectsion.
Over and underfunctioning reciprocity is a cornerstone concepts. One individual will do the most accommodating and thus is the most vulnerable, while another will move away and do little.
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Tension and anxiety can move through the system to intensify processes of connectedness resulting in stress instead of leading to problem solving, functioning and teamwork.,
People have choices and can be thoughful and observant rather than just at the mercy of their automatic reactions. ,
Our two inner guidance systems - feeling and reasoning both need to be accessed if we want to make good functional decisions. ,
Does not focus on mental illness, as all families have symptoms, but focus on thriving. ,
Heirarchiess and Boundaries are interesting,
Reasons behind differences in resilience and ability to adapt to change, among siblings (eg birth order, timing of significant events) are explored,
FST concepts can also be well applied to families without children, to workplaces and to social groups.
Family Systems Therapy typically unfolds in a collaborative, systemic manner, involving all family members in the therapeutic process. Sessions may focus on exploring family narratives as they have been written over generations, enhancing communication skills between members, discovering the nature of interactions where there is anxiety, and fostering empathy and understanding in the family. Therapists use Genograms to help understand wider family dynamics. (Click the link if you love Star Wars)
Through conversation, guided interventions and experiential exercises, individuals learn to identify and find new ways to change patterns, promoting healthier relational dynamics.
Clients are encouraged to look at problems in a differnet way, to be curious and thoughtful about automatic reactions, asking questions like :
How is everyone effecting each other?
What do they do?
When do they do it?
How do they do it?
Rather than try to solve specific problems, people are encouraged to step back, making themselves the project rather than fixing the others in the system, eg their boss, their siblings, their children or their spouse. They are encouraged to take a big picture approach and to change how they manage themselves and react within the family (or perhaps church or workplace) system. Then they can see how their new attitude has ripple effects for the rest of the members which can help the clients to further tone down their intensity.
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The goals of therapy include:
Understanding family system,
Observing and recognising patterns in the family,
Reducing anxiety and relieving symptoms,
restoring trust and fairness,
Increasing differentiation
demonstrating intergenerational patterns.
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Focusing on thinking more than feeling,
de-triangulating,
guiding families to identify triggers for reactivity ,
Encouraging “i” statements
Reconnecting after cutoff
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Bowenian therapists :
try to help clients act in more differntiated ways,
help clients be thoughtful in face of stress,
teach emotional management skills,
coach client to differentiate from family of origin,
they like to make genograms of client,
assess family history and patterns,
assess how family handles anxiety and stress and how they triangulate.
teach clients how family systems work so clients develop insight into how their own family operates,
try to help people communicate needs in more differentiated manner - so they don’t try to change others but to change self ,
sessions tend to be calm and cerebral rather then emotional and experiential,
work with just parents even if problem involves child,
don’t get pulled into dysfunctional triangles with clients,
are supposed to detriangulate themselves from own parents.
Cutoff is the reduction or end of contact after an anxious emotional relationship instead of deciding on a resolution of the problems. Cutoff doesn’t solve the problems which remain dormant. In therapy, a restoration of contact is the goal. If the relationship was abusive and restoration is unsafe, as new understadning of the situation that brought about cutoff will be sought.
The most important triangle is the one between you and your parents and determines patters for the rest of your life. This is a a three person system and is considered a very stable building block of larger emotional systems, created by pulling another person into a tense situation. For example, one member of a couple focusses intensely on their child or teen to avoid dealing with marital problems. The drama in the triad involving teens may be more about marriage tension than the actual teenager.
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Other examples would be a wife complaining to her therapist about her husband, or a misbehaving child whose needs stop his parents from fighting. Even the television can become a part of the triangle.
Some triangles are functional and some are not, but the people in them behave predicatbly to reduce anxiety.
You can reduce triangulation by being as differentiated as possible.
This is a very hard problem to identify because we do it so intuitively and it becomes fixed over time. Its particularly hard to see how our own anxious behaviour impacts the others. The Angry Therapist below has a simple example
This involves stepping out of our original relationships and taking a more objective look at them, and not falling back into old patterns at family get togethers. This involves asking
“How can i be with my family but not fall into automatic way of being?
“How can I define myself rahter than the relationships system defining me?”
“ How can I handle things that go against my values?
“How can I be the person I am now, not who i was when I was living with my family?”
“How can I be part of it but not tossed and turned by it as is automatic?”
Poor differntiation of self can be the result of parents projecting their relationship problems onto their child. These learnt problems (eg sensitivity to relationships, difficulty dealing with expections, guilt,) can be then passed on to their grandchildren, becoming more marked with each generation.
People with a poorly differentiated sense of self often depend too highly on the approval of others and try hard to please. They feel they are responsible for managing other people’s anxiety. Alternatively, they insist that others conform to their expectations
Bowen believed that most people stay for their lifetime, at the level of differentiation that they had when they left home although intense stress can make it worse. Learning to be less reactive and/or detriangulate, on the other hand, can make it better.
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People with more differentiation -
don’t get wrapped up in others emotions,
can be intimate but stay separate,
are less reactive,
can calm themselves,
make more thoughtful, intentional decisions,
don’t give in to the pressure from others,
are less vulnerable to stress,
are less prone to triangulation,
can extricate themselves from emotional entanglements
less vulnerable to stress,
fewer physical problems
more fulfilling relationships
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People with lower differentiation
are more reactive,
have difficulty engaging in thoughtful behaviour,
have difficulty saying no to people,
are more critical and judgmental,
are more interested in approval
are dependent on others,
are prone to triangulation,
are prone to disengagement, conflict and cutoff,
are prone to enmeshment,
are prone to social and emotional problems,
are prone to physical problems,
are less likely to learn from their mistakes but repeat them in subsequent relationships
Developed in line with Family Systems Theory, The Parent Hope Project has been developed by Dr Jenny Brown (Family Systems Therapist and founding director of the Family Systems Institute in Sydney, Australia). This an empirically based social enterprise that supports parents in recovering their confidence to be the best resource they can be for their children’s mental health and wellbeing. It includes a variety of parenting courses, therapy approaches, podcasts and books. Some of the introductory sessions are free of charge.
One of the courses that fits within the Parents Hope framework is the Confident Parent Course. Here Jenny speaks about this course, demonstrating how FST concepts are used to practically support parents in their quest to be the best they can be.
(If you are interested in attending this course, send me a “no obligation” email as I am an accredited trainer and hope to present this course in the second half of 2024.)
These include :
Dr Murray Bowen who first developed the theory
Dr Jenny Brown author and first director of the Family Systems Institute in Sydney. Jenny has also taken an interest in how FST relates to church ministry.
Dr Kathleen Smith therapist, researcher and author
Growing Yourself Up (2012), Jenny Brown (Enter draw to WIN ONE OF THESE by subscribing)
Confident Parenting (2020) Jenny Brown
Bowen Family Systems Theory in Christian Ministry: Grappling with theory and its application through a biblical lens Editors Jenny Brown and Lauren Errington
Everything isn’t terrible, Kathleen Smith
Lerner, H. (1988). The Dance of Anger. New York, Harper & Row
A diary of Everyday Growing Up Opportunities https://www.jennybrown.info/tag/blog/
Parent Hope Podcast (Jenny Brown)
The Anxious Overachiever blog- Kathleen Smith https://theanxiousoverachiever.substack.com/
Bowen Family Systems Therapy Short Explanation by Dr Kirk Honda https://youtu.be/dSBOpQpkD9o?si=TgQAvnIw6sNqgJRW
Family Matters Overfunctoning https://youtu.be/8GpnqnRRozc?si=jrTPZOroapgvi0M_
An Introduction to Bowen Theory https://youtu.be/IEKQBhO9anc?si=2LP2mTsXP6vU6nTT
Bowen Family Systems Theory https://youtu.be/-GK7LaT5rxY?si=1IZ4cGc-w1kwG4Xo
and All the books above
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Best wishes from Robyn.
